LIVING IN THE 00'S

You know you're living in the 00's when...

1. You try to enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards
in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk
next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with
friends is that they do
not
have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you
still answer the phone
in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years
and worked for three
different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with
Velcro.

10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11
o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to
do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are
more likely to get
long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all
the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of
the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your
staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new
state-of-the-art laptop with all
the
latest features, while you have time to go for
lunch while yours boots
up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or
you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford
four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss
on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job
as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

1. You read this entire list, and kept nodding
and smiling.
2. As you read this list, you think about
forwarding it to your
"friends"
3. It crosses your mind that your jokes group
may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you
forward it anyway.
4. You got this email from a friend that never
talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.

gOoD oLd bEcKhAm!?

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best Armani
tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work of being an
over-privileged,tattooed ponce.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror,he thinks "By God, David,
you're looking good today." He admires the fine cut of his rack suit,the
healthy sheen of his tan and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good too", he
notes
proudly at the firm swell muscle underneath the Manchester Utd shirt
he's wearing.

He goes down to the kitchen where "Posh" hands him a Golden, Diamond Cut
bowl of Shreddies.
"You're looking fit this morning, David dear."
"Too right," says Golden-bollocks. "I feel good as well."
"But you don't smell so good, mind" comments his wife.
The Muppet takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I do
smell a bit rough.

He finishes his breakfast, jumps into his Ferrari with leopard skin
interior and drives off to Old Trafford to practice breaking his
voice. He meets poor old Luke Chadwick at the gates.

"Alright David. You're looking good today," says the extremely ugly one.
"Too right, I am," says Golden-bollocks.
"But you whiff a bit," says the overrated ugly twat.
"Funny that, I don't know what it is but Posh said the same thing."
"Good morning to you" he grins at Alex Ferguson.
"It's a fine day, David", says The Scottish Drunk, chewing his gum wildly.
"And you're looking really good."
"Hey thanks Boss. I look good and I feel good as well," replies the
overpaid tosser.
"Oh David!" winces the Scotsman. "You do smell awful, skip training and go
to the quacks"

Worried, Golden Bollocks visits his doctor.
"Doctor, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great but I smell awful."
The doctor gets out his medical dictionary.
"Let's see...looks good...feels great...smells awful. Hmm, yes, its
Quite simple, Mr Beckham," says the doctor....."You're a cUnt."