MONKEYJASON's TOP TWENTY-SIX WAYS TO DIE
1. The timeless classic, to be murdered
(especially if you are a child and you trusted the murderer)
2. Being crushed between the buttocks of a ballet dancer
3. Misguided belief in powers of flight being put tragically into practice
4. Being eaten by one of your co-passengers after a plane crash
(especially if there was really no need - eg crashed in a chocolate bar
factory)
5. Poisoned frisbee (if you are a dog)
6. Being run over by a motorised snail after staging a peaceful protest
7. Medical negligence during routine surgery
8. Farting and sneezing at the same time with an unpressed navel
9. Trying unsuccessfully to negotiate a field that is popular with bungee
jumpers. You are hammered into the ground. Please try again.
10. Drowning in one inch of water
(Actually more difficult that it may seem - try it with a child... you keep
breaking its nose!)
11. Knowing too much
12. Slowly, and young.
(Ideally, you should die so slowly, that you are no longer young at the
time of death.)
13. Hovering at tree height wearing a leaf covered shirt in the middle of a
herd of giraffes (you'd be surprised)
14. Falling inside a grand piano and being hammered to death by
Rachmaninov's third.
15. Being part of a suicide pact in which the other person was only having
a laugh
16. Clive Barker's favourite, having snakes made from a lunatic's shit
animated by an evil magician and invading your every orifice. Let's hear it
for Clive Barker, eh?
17. That magic flesh eating bacteria (nature beats Clive Barker)
18. Being squicked, which I am reliably informed is the act of fucking the
hole in the skulls of babies. You would obviously have to be a baby for
this one.
19. Being a Rider on the Storm, and falling off your horse.
20. Being given a shoulder ride close to a "ticking-over" helicopter, with
hilarious consequences!
21. Slow, Slow, Quick Quick Slow - the Foxtrot of doom, with hammers.
(Details not supplied for fear of copycat Foxtrot killings)
22. Being given inadequate CPR by someone trying to impress his girlfriend
23. Dying from a frankly pathetic quantity of drugs. Double points if you
create national tabloid hysteria
24. Receiving capital punishment for a crime you didn't commit
25. Having an enormous letter "B" land on your head in your sleep
And of course
26. We all relish the senselessness of a mistaken identity IRA killing!
Sell your soul to MONKEYJASON.